2013 was a bit of a mixed year. It didn't start out in the best possible way, still recovering from the glandular fever I had over Christmas and then being in hospital in only the second week of the year with chest pain and then catching a horrific sickness bug! Luckily the year got better! I turned 20! Which still seems a bit odd even though I'm nearly 21 now. I managed a 2:1 in my first year Creative Writing and Film Studies degree, even though I struggled a lot with illness and chest pain. And of course I started my blog! (I'm not sure what date that was I should probably check!)
I feel like my illness has crept into my day to day life a bit more this year than it has perhaps any other year. It's something I seem to be thinking about more and more. Partly because the breathlessness, chest pain and medication routine intrudes my life more than it has ever done. Also the whole transplant idea has really taken off this year and I've had to think a lot about what I want to do and of course there's been a lot of worry about if I was even going to be offered it in the beginning, the disappointment that it didn't turn out to be miracle some part of me was hoping for, to the hope that one day that will change and transplant will be a safer route to go down. I think watching my boyfriend come to terms with it all has been the best part of this year. That sounds terrible but he really has surpassed himself and I am very proud, because it's not easy. We only got together at the end of 2012 so 2013 has been "the year of us". We just laugh about everything, and you've got to laugh about it. That's the one piece of advice I can give to you, is to never stop laughing in the face of adversity. Illness has always been a part of my life but it wasn't always a part of his, now it's just a part of us, part of life, part of everything. And that's pretty good going for a year's work. And there's no end to my praise for my family, particularly my mum, for how well they deal with it and manage to keep my spirits up too. The best thing about catastrophe (or rather the only good thing) is that it makes love stronger because you are that much more aware of how much it means to you.
There will always be people who don't understand, who will never understand, but luckily for me there are very strong people in my life who understand and they far outweigh those people who really don't have a clue how ill I am because it's not written all over my face. It's that balance between treating me normally and being aware that I'm not normal that is so hard to achieve. The difference between not inviting me out or not arranging things for me because you'll assume I'm not going to be well enough and tweaking the arrangements so that I have the best time I possibly can while not damaging my health or excluding me. (I could go on for pages about how society is not following this simple rule when it comes to disabled people but I'll save that for another day!) For now I'll simply thank those lovely people in my life who are such a support to me.
My writing has been the part of me that has grown the most this passing year and although my course is not perfect, it's doing it's job and I feel I am growing stronger as a writer. I've tried all sorts of styles that I wouldn't even have thought of trying, I've experimented and I've found out that I'm actually quite good at writing - who knew? I knew I loved it, I just didn't know if I was any good. And it turns out I'm not half bad. I'm going to have my name on a book one day. I want to walk into a bookshop, find some back shelf and say, "there, there it is, I wrote that. And look there's a gap, someone bought a copy!" It's a simple dream, but I take comfort in knowing I can do it!
I don't have brilliant plans for 2014, I suppose I should be glad I haven't nearly died this year and I've made it to 2014 unharmed but that just isn't what I'm feeling. I don't like thinking about how the years are slipping by (I can't stand ticking clocks in my room because I hate to think of time passing so as you can probably imagine I don't like to celebrate new year much). To me, it's just another day. The fact that someone a very long time ago decided to split time into weeks, months and years doesn't resonate in my life other than a very practical way to organise everything. Only now I've got to remember to stick a different number on the end of the date which will probably take me most of the year to get use to. My birthday is the day I really think about the past year and what's happened, but as the rest of the world acknowledges a new chapter at new year, I thought I'd do this post now.
That being said I did have a very nice evening at my Gran's New Years Eve with pretty much all of what we might consider my mums side of the family. We had a nice Chinese and played a 4 hour game of trivial pursuit (which I lost quite badly - some of those questions are impossible!). It was a load of fun anyway and it was a really nice evening.
So although I rarely acknowledge the passing of another year, I hope your year is healthy and bright, and hopefully mine will pass in much the same way as the previous year. With no catastrophes thank you very much.
Happy New Year.
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